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I Wouldn’t Dream OF IT

Updated: Jun 22, 2022


I just woke up, to stop my daughters feeding pump, and I wanted to cry. I had created such turmoil, and chaos, in my dream, that it required a bit of analyzing before I could let my feet touch the floor. All I ever want to do is protect my child from harm, and my conclusion was, in this dream “I was hurting, not helping, and I couldn’t undo my mess!”.

As a woman that didn’t say the words until in my 40s, it was a big deal to hear my son unapologetically answer “oh they know I’m gay.”, in response to me just asking “How have people been treating you?”. He knew why I had asked… I would never out my child to family, and he knew it wasn’t because of shame. I shielded him from homophobic family members, and I would do that again. However, it doesn’t feel like he’s ready for heartbreak. It’s inevitable right? How many of us have gotten it right the first time? Straight or queer, that rarely happens! (Internal me right now: You are ridiculous. grow up!

Also me:Okay!)

I have written about my mom telling me “I don’t care what you do, never bring a woman to my door!”, at the age of 12, and now I am wondering who will show up at mine. As I wrote in “My Big Bang” blog, mom and I eventually worked past our problems, but I am still learning who I am! It’s frustrating, to me, reasoning with something I could‘ve already had figured out. My mom is not here to confirm my suspicions, but I think she just wanted to protect me from the judgement. Instead, I felt impeded. I began being overprotective with myself, and may not be so open to love.

This dream was lucid, but not prophetic. It, not so simply, seemed like a warning dream. The dream made me face heartache, so that I can remember that broken hearts are mendable.

I have her handed down anxiety, my mom gave me that long before her death. I would’ve preferred a more tangible heirloom, but beggars and choosers and all. photo- A black girl , in a denim romper, staring into the distance.

My son‘s coming out was gradual, and not so necessary for me. I wonder if he wanted a larger reaction, when he came out as bisexual. I wondered if he would change his mind, and come out as gay. It was important to me that he was honest with himself, and his partners. It was just as important that he didn’t toe any lines, just for appearances sake. After obsessing over that, I wondered if my line of questioning felt like pressure or disbelief. I didn’t “know”, nor did I assume, his sexuality before he felt ready to state it. It isn’t my business. My business is holding him through heartbreak; reminding him to communicate his feelings; reminding him to protect himself and his partner(s)… mom shit.

So far, I have done ok. Yet, this dream left me unsettled! In it, he had fallen in love with the wrong person, and I went through great lengths to keep them apart. There was a wake of bodies, some cover ups & a lot of revelations about my definition of “protection“. Also, if I ever want to write a gangster love story, I have the perfect plot for one. Toward the end I was just thinking “I only wanted to protect him from being hurt.”. If you’re ever going to love, is hurt not inevitable? So this blog is meant for those parents who have no problem with their kids loving who they please, but are fearful that they’ll be hurt. Let them love & be loved. For queer young people who’re still evolving, it’s ok if you don’t fit into the world’s boxes! The worst person to lie to is yourself. for adults who came out a little later in life, I am you, and It’s ok, and a beautiful journey to yourself. If you’ve yet to find out who you are, I wish you joy on this path. The main thing I want you to take away is, we don’t have it all figured out, and that’s a thing.


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2 comentarios

Marie Cartier
Marie Cartier
05 jun 2022

it was soo good to see you in Kentucky, and i love this post <3


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It’s always a true pleasure, my friend. Thanks for reading. Love you!!! 🫂

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