Updated: Feb 25
I am sitting in a local coffee shop, hoping the words come to me. Feeling the need to purge, but uncertain of where to begin. There’s a lesson in this blog, but it’s mostly an apology. To you & me.
I can start by telling you exactly how I was hurt, by the love of my life & a few supposed friends. Only regurgitation would be too painful. The hurt is still fresh. This journey has left me feeling broken. I deserved better, because I have given better. I deserved not to have to search for housing in the winter, because I’ve provided shelter for others. I deserved honesty from the person I have never lied to, even when I knew the truth would hurt.
People have supported this site, by subscribing to this blog, and they deserve what they paid for. That’s how life goes, no matter the currency used, you should get what you pay for. This blog is an apology, for letting my bullshit affect my consistency. It’s an apology to myself, and my readers. It’s also my way of reminding you, you don’t deserve to be hurt by someone you’ve only been good to! I know this, but accountability demands I own my part.
I trusted a woman that says she loves and cares for Black women, yet she revels at bringing WOC to their knees. I’ve seen her do it, and you can see it in her face, that she likes it. I trusted a woman that has told me, for years, double digits, that she only wanted to be where I was, even though I knew that she was impulsive and no one factors into her decisions when she gets like that.
So I got away from the habitual liar, and opened my heart & home to someone who doesn’t know how to love me. I am nucking futs! I have seen her in action, and said aloud “we should stay friends because, as long as we are friends, your impulsiveness won’t hurt me. Y’all I let her in, and now it’s over, as if I never said the shit.
I have already forgiven myself, for letting my guard down & trusting people who’ve constantly proven themselves to be untrustworthy. My friends have managed to make a thousand excuses for me, including “you always try to see the best in people''. This isn’t all the way true in these cases. I was desperate for peace, and made a plan to find some. I wasn’t seeing “the best'' in someone I’ve witnessed hurting people. I was trusting she was a woman of her word. She lied to me, with the offer of a job, and then she lied about me when she wanted me to leave her home. I didn’t want to, nor did I make it difficult when her lies made their way to me. So, fairly quickly, I had to make another plan. I did, and was out. However, it was her that continued to be hurtful when she left my little girl’s feeding supplies outside, rather than dial my number so I could pick them up. Instead she chose to call someone else, which resulted in the supplies being left in the element longer. How is that a person can continue being an asshole, when all I had ever done was try to understand them?
I still have notes in my computer, for ways to build the business she wanted assistance starting. I was excited to work with a woman of color, whose work ethic I admired. Far be it for me to assume what went left, but I will tell you that she lied so much that I truly thought this lady was facing eviction for something I had done!
There was no eviction threat, an adult woman chose to lie as opposed to talking things out. Now when she says anything about her love for Black people, or helping others heal, all I can do is shake my head. Where was this love when she pulled the job offer she knew I needed? Where was the empathy for someone with a child who has special needs, while she was lying about a supposed odor I had in her home? I texted each neighbor, after hearing she was facing eviction because of complaints about an odor, and she lacked the “mental capacity to work this smell out”. The question “what’s the odor?” lead to her telling me my needs were more than she was “willing to give”. She said that as if I had asked her to donate plasma. Girl, boo! Who’s facing eviction, but can’t find the mental capacity to help prevent it. Anyhow, all 3 of the neighbors were shocked to hear that she said they had complained. All three neighbors denied it, and I believe each of them because her story has become out of control! I was now worried about both of us being homeless, and didn’t need that type of emotional manipulation on my heart! One neighbor went so far as to text another, and screenshot the message which included that all she smelled were cleaning supplies. The real moment happened when she lied and said the landlord was coming to do a walkthrough, believing I I would be out of town. Of course, I postponed my departure so I could defend her & get an idea of how to fix a problem big enough to get her evicted! It would’ve been cowardly, in my eyes, to let her face that alone. There was no way, if this turned out to be true, when I knew it wasn’t, that I’d let her take my heat! SPOILER ALERT- No landlord showed up, because it was ALL a lie.
I knew, two days after moving to Ohio that she wasn’t going to give me a job & that I had better find somewhere to go. I felt the shift in energy, which she denied. When we mentioned it later, there was some more elitist shit said.
My kid and I could be on the street, and the lover of all things Black, wouldn’t care at all. She didn’t even have the decency to ask if I had somewhere to go, and I didn’t see or hear from her but once after the walkthrough lie. It’s difficult to come back from a tale as big as hers got. She’s an entire fraud and performative at best.
So I moved on. It isn’t the best place, but it is a safe one. There’s no looming thoughts of having to be in a shelter, or worse. I continued confiding in the woman I had come to believe loved me, keeping her abreast with what was happening, and she told me everything my disappointed ass wanted to hear. Who doesn’t want to feel loved/chosen? I overlooked everything I knew to be true, for a chance I felt like I never had. She has said for years. “I don’t think we had a fair chance”, and she wasn’t wrong. So I gave her a fair chance, and she didn’t give me one at all. As if that wasn’t hurtful enough, she chose to go back to the place I couldn’t wait for her to get away from. I love her, and I didn’t like the way she was being treated there. I’m heartbroken, because I don’t know if she ever meant a word of what she has said to me. I am heartbroken because I gave her a real chance, and she squandered it away. “It’s not you, it’s me”, she said. I’ve NEVER heard that in real life!
I’m heartbroken because, even now, I don’t hate her. I just want her to be happy, and I feel stupid for it.
Both of these situations has me questioning how much love I have shown myself. I had a perfectly laid out plan. I show up, get a place, get my daughter situated & start work. Instead I let someone sell me a dream, and I bought it. I got another plan! Find a place, make a home for my daughter & be in peace. Great plan, and heartache sought me out. Can a woman get a win? I felt like because I withstood the first storm, so there had to be this Trojan horse with a demonic Cupid, yielding real arrows in her bag) inside, and I let it in!!! “Ahhh, ummmmm… no!”, (clutches heart & falls right over)- She got me!
I’m sitting in this coffee shop pouring out, because I needed to… in order to move forward. I need to get back to healing, and leave the hurt in the past. More than anything, I need to stop blaming myself for the jacked up shit that people have done to me. I don’t need to forgive them to do that. I do wish my ex happiness, since I am being honest,
I apologize for the inconsistency & the late February post. still, there’s more I won’t go into, because time…
Hoping for better in the coming months. Hoping I can trust enough to fully love again. Hoping you got something out of this purge, even if it was just a laugh.
I did not add the names of these people, because this blog wasn’t to bring either of them down. The point is to tell my truth, accept my accountability & ask forgiveness from those of you who support my work.