Just For Today
Here we go again. I’m not sure about some of you, but it’s exhausting, changing, and sometimes I want to opt out. I wish to just stop doing all of the things, and being all of the things. What is so heavy? Breathing should be passive, and that’s even difficult some days. People have said “you’re so strong!”? Am I? Like, really I am screaming internally right now! Right now, I’m holding my composure as I lose so many things/people that I hold dear. That doesn’t feel like strength to me, it’s pure physical labor. This post is for those of us who’re tired. Honestly, I’m tired of trying. I’ve been contemplating the worst, and all I can think about is other people. This time, I’m thinking of you & how I can responsibly tell my truth without triggering some of you.
That’s it, the entire thing- I’m tired. I empathize if therapy just leaves you feeling like hunting your abusers down, and demanding accountability!
My heart is with you if you feel unloved, despite people always showing you differently. I’m arguing with my inner self, saying “absolutely, people love me! And also…”.
When I get like this, my mind is so cruel. I’m my own mean girl, and I’m brutal. Now that’s passive, and on constant repeat “what’re you gonna do now?”. Just out of the blue “You caused this”, and I’m not wrong about a lot of it. Have you ever had to call someone and admit that their worst case scenario was correct? For the record, I can’t stand an “I told you so” ass person, but I told me so.
So, I’m over me.
So what now? Who know’s. I just know that I am constantly being called on to smile, despite the pain. It hurts my heart that someone, somewhere, is going through the same thing & their thoughts are drowning out the love that people are attempting to give. Listen, that cup of coffee that your partner brought you is love. Those calls out of concern for your well-being, no matter how taxing it is for you to speak, are out of love. That text meant to make you laugh… Love, boo. Maybe, like myself, you want a specific type of love. perhaps it doesn’t feel like quite enough, or it’s not from those you care to feel it from, but don’t let your mind make you miss it. May you open up, and wholly shit that is the hardest thing of all, enough to see these things. Name them! I have cards, from my best friend, because she wanted to be the first person I received mail from. It‘s cute, and it’s love. I know it’s hard, and I’m not going to tell you that you have to get up. To keep it a hundred, you really don’t... people opt out of this hamster wheel everyday. However, I hope you find the sound, or images, that’ll keep you near the light at the end of your tunnel. Be it the voices of family chattering, kids laughing, women laughing… whatever it is, I hope with everything in me that eventually you make it out to be a part of it. I ask that you keep reaching for me right now, because I’m right there too, and this is me doing the same for you.