Updated: Apr 11
A while ago I discovered that I liked something new. I almost wrote about it, at the time, but wasn’t sure how until recently. There'll always be hang ups, and judgement, when it comes to sex. However, to me kink is radical! Dear missionaries, please don't be offended. If you like it, I say go for it, and at least you know what you like. I used to believe, because that's what I "learned", that sex is purely for reproductive purposes. After growing up, learning about erogenous zones & different genders & a myriad of other factors, I call bullshit. So once again I contemplated writing about my kinks, but I'm pretty vanilla , I couldn't even type that with a straight face 😂 . There are still so many things I wish to explore, and I wish to implore others to do the same.
Sex positivity & body positivity are two of the reasons why this came to mind. What better place for me to write about the two? Of course, I had to throw in a dash of culture and attempt to abolish the shame I still witness, surrounding attitudes about kink. It had to be here, where affirmations take center stage, and no one can censor my thoughts.
Calm down, prudish ones, there'll be no positions or fetish sites posted. I'll leave those for the readers to find. I'm merely here to remind you that there's a community for you to safely explore these parts of you, that are either suppressed or disregarded, for whatever reason.
For those of you who get a little moist while reading romance novels & get a bit turned on by something that may be offsetting to others, this is your intro to a world you may not know exists. This is your intro to kink.
I decided to put "culture" in the title because I realize that some of us believe that whiteness has ownership over this particular form of pleasure. This couldn't be less true. When you haven't witnessed all that this community has to offer, that's a fairly basic assumption. While some of us love a good whipping, to be restrained & a pretty collar with a lead, those things aren't tied to being Black. White slave owners may never get to play with a Black body, because the shit is absolutely triggering for many of us. However, some do & I can only hope that safety, sanity and consent are even more crucial within these contracts, so that someone isn't being damaged in the name of someone else’s fun. The truth is, so many things are also triggering for many POC within the BDSM community, depending on how we were raised & who we were raised by. For a lot of us, we still have inhibitions when it comes to lot's of play, but nothing gets us more turnt than slave play, I myself refuse to participate in this type of play, and will only ever consider it with another POC, because I have a significant amount of respect for Black bodies, especially my own. I do follow Black slaves, with white owners who find themselves saying over and over, to the rude people in their comments, "It's about consent!". Yes, people show up to shame others, because they think it makes them sound intelligent, but it's usually just prejudiced. For all I know, because I am just a fan of some of them, their hard limits forbid "the n word" being used. Maybe it doesn't and it's not my bed, so it's not my business.
I don't kink shame, many in the community have hard limits.
Hard limits are things that are completely off of the table, and should always be respected. Believe it or not, kink shaming is something people do to others within the kink community as well. Imagine getting off on spitting on someone, but turning your nose up at others likes & dislikes.
I say if it's legal, go apeshit! There'll be no kink shaming here, unless you deal in non-consensual play. If you do, I'm side-eyeing you for all of the people you've subjected to your shenanigans . Also, you may need to turn yourself in, for a multitude of crimes against humanity. I'm not sure but there are rules to this shit, so I came to help.
Kink shaming... this leads me to the top three rules in kink 1. Safety 2. Sanity 3. Consent. I wrote a post about kink, and why I think it's important to name, & dabble in your kink of choice, and why I feel it's important not to shame. People who are ashamed hide things, rather than looking for alternative ways to be sexually satisfied. It's important to be able to admit what you like, reckon with the rules (safety, sanity & consent), and sublimate. The truth of the matter is, if those three rules are not set in stone, you could be dangerous to play with.
"...It may be wild but, as long as consent is there, that’s ok. What do you like? Is it possible to get it, without removing consent? Are you afraid to ask for it? If so, why? Are you judging yourself? If what you desire is considered illegal, are there ways you can sublimate? 🤔 Being sexually unfulfilled is a bummer, unless your pleasure requires someone else’s unwillingness… If that’s the case, I recommend pet play, age play or consensual non-consent play. See??? ⬅️ sublimation. Anything else, outside of inanimate objects, is two adults saying “yes!”, and that’s always ok.
I've heard many people claim not to have a kink, and turn out to be whole ass kinks. So far I've had a quite a few Dom/mes, sadists & a few masochists deny even having kinks. Since I believe we should normalize talking about sex, it isn't unusual for me to bring it up. Always interested in how others perceive themselves. this has been on my mind for some time. These friends of mine, who claimed to have no kink, weren't lacking the desires but the terminology to describe them. So, do click on the links provided, if you read a word that you do not understand, A friend admittedly, and understandably, hates the term "Sadist". "Sounds too much like satan", she explained...
"What can I say but hand me the dictionary for all kink terminology? Here, take this test and find out what category you fall in?… Wait, there is test? But I didn’t even study or know what to study…
So I’m a Dom aka stud/ag or aggressor. Edger- sounds like construction (ask definition) oh thought that was being a tease. This is like filling out a passport application; proof of kinkiness’- nationality- Dom… “you’re a Sadist” she said, I become puzzles and respond “hold up I ain’t no devil worshiper” then I look it up… “aight I might be the definition but I’m not the word”… “brat” sounds cute but I’m not with the temper tantrum oh wait test says “57% brat tamer” can I put that on job application…
The titles pull you away while definition opens your thoughts. Maybe approach a newcomer with examples, definition then title can lower the fear you get when you hear words like “sadist”. People of color are stuck in feeling that these “titles” are taboo which can't fall on them. To be thought of as a “slave” brings up negative feelings instead of mutual desires. People who are part of poly life are looked on as cheaters…etc
Explore and understand your wants and needs without prejudice.'' - Unapologetically Created
One thing about being open, and honest, is it gets you where you want to be faster. I guess a case can be made for sexually unfulfilled relationships, but I can't think of any. Not being open can lead to being pawns in someone's weird ass sex play. I refer to it as weird, because if you aren't consenting some of this play borders on abusive. You may like to dominate, but your partner may not be sub material! That could go awry. You may be a brat, and your partner may not be a dom/me, and that could be a problem. Imagine getting your kicks being smacked but, instead of properly expressing that, you opt for provocation. Someone can end up in jail. Consent...
It's no surprise that so many of us carry shame about something as normal as sex, for all of the reasons. For my vanillas, those who prefer missionary, there's no judgement for you either. "Just lie there and take it", I'm a masochist, so I get it. Once again, I am not the one to judge what someone does, especially in their bedrooms, unless it involves someone unable to consent or I am in said bedroom. Consent is something I will mention more than once, because it can mean the difference between someone committing a crime & someone being marvelously objectified.
It’s true, some folks will lie with a person every night but not discuss their innermost desires. If your friend knows you like your ass smacked, but your partner doesn’t 👀 this post may be for you. If you can’t say/hear the names of body parts, without cringing, this article is for you too. Normalize talking about sex, and exploring what your body is telling you it needs.
I purposely left out a lot of terms, because there's joy in finding out your own kinks. Also, it’d take a book to write about kink in the way I love to discuss it. When you want to know more about where you fit in, within the kink community, I suggest checking out fetish sites, and even taking the test at https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode . There are also pages such as Queer.Black.Dominant on Instagram, where there's a wealth of information.
As a Black submissive, this blog was especially important for me to write, because I recognize how often we get shit for being every bit of who we are! I'll leave it up to you to decide on how you ultimately feel about the world of kink, and to truly understand that it expands beyond whips, chains, cages, diapers & all of the things. I only suggest you remain open minded, and honest with yourself about what you like and where you like it.
"The saying "there's someone for everyone is true". What do you require? You can't instruct someone, if you have no clue about who you are or what you want. If everything has to be all about what you want/need, you're not just a dominant, but selfish. There is someone out there for you as well. You want a toy, a slut but a submissive may not be for you. Submissives, whatever subcategory they belong in, are clear about their desires. Brats, specifically, aren't only clear but demanding. She will always know her limits, and care to please her Dom/me. It's what she desires most, but she also has desires of her own. Any Dom demanding obedience, before caring to gain trust, is a tyrant. They belong in the sadist subcategory, but there are people who'll allow them to do that. The critical part to any S/M or D/s relationships is ALWAYS consent. Dominance is not just about obedience, in most cases, but it could be. That's why consent, sanity & safety must take precedence in these contracts. Have the conversations, educate yourself & be the best at what you do." - MissIvely