My Big Bang

(Go ahead, kinfolks, get it out. Give us a moment of praise, everyone. Yes! The bā-āāng)

My Big BANG! What?? Yes, a space to be Black, queer & unapologetic. This was also not a thing, just a few years ago, hence the title of this blog post.

If you aren’t familiar with the Big Bang theory, that’s ok. I’m going to simplify it, because we’ve got time. Some scientists theorize that the earth was formed by particles, scattered about after an explosion. The particles settled, creating most of earths matter & the physical laws that govern it & beyond. For those who just don’t believe it, to you I say “ok”. It is a beautiful thought, something precious forming from something otherwise damaging. I can relate.

My Big Bang happened, and it wasn’t planned. The most interesting thing, in hindsight, is the feeling of knowing something life changing was about to take place.

How do you brace yourself for endings, and new beginnings, when you have no idea exactly what is coming? How will this affect my family? Where will we go? Do I wear a helmet? Who should I bunker up with, in the event that it is as catastrophic as my body is warning? Will I make it? Will I be alone when the dust settled? First things first, I had to become okay with changing course which is hardly ever easy!

This site was born from particles scattered by my Big Bang, that happened in 2019. It took some time for the dust to settle, and to survey the land. Most of the people I love were all accounted for immediately afterwards, and I have begun to rebuild some things, and start fresh with others. That's ok. It happens, and sometimes there may be a bit of grieving involved. The dissolution of a partnership that was irreparable, and the destruction of the image I had become in everyone’s head, my own included, has been the most striking difference. My mother heard me say I wasn't straight in 2019, and I am in my 40s! How does that happen? She already knew, but there was power in the words. One day I will recount that time. Let me preface that future post by saying, I am very glad that fight happened, and was resolved before she died. She said, "I am sorry", and offered me a kidney in the same sentence after I woke up from a near death experience. I didn’t need her kidney, but I needed her to understand that I had tried living my life her way and it didn’t work. We made it through that phase, only for her to pass away a few months later. Again, I’m glad we were able to fix our mess first.

The summer of 2019 rocked my foundation, and I stood there and watched in hopes that I'd be left standing in the end. Although I am barely recognizable, I am still here. The course has changed, as they often do. There's a bit of self-grace required to be ok with the change. I am not about to beat me up, any more than I can beat others for making decisions that also changed my life. I forgave them, sometimes more than once, and have consciously decided to extend myself the same forgiveness. I have cared for people who have hurt me, including my mom before she died. I relapse with anger sometimes, for all the things out of my control. Essentially, change and grief oftentimes go hand in hand. Acceptance, just as in the five stages of grief, is the end goal. Acceptance is saying, "This new universe isn't at all what I thought it'd be, but it's got the potential to be beautiful. Let me start by cleaning up the debris."

I came to survey the unexplored land and invite you all to do the same. If I had to guess, many people I have known for decades are wondering exactly how much of me I'll be willing to share here. We will see, because this site truly is for the beauty of saying I feel/hear/see you & hopefully get you into the practice of self-affirmations. A habitual over sharer, I have been an open book, but some folks don't read. No shade... I prefer they say, "I didn't take the time to know you", but I guess it's more interesting to think that your friend of umpteen years just started liking girls, and her marriage just fell apart. The truth is, I lived for other people. I didn’t want to just survive, I wanted to be better. This is so brand new, giving myself permission to live and not just be alive, that I am like a protective parent wide-walking behind their child who's taking their first steps! If you've ever been, or observed, this parent, you know I can't really do much from behind except sweep me up, check for cuts & keep encouraging myself. Sometimes, I may need to redirect & change course to avoid a flight of stairs.

2 weeks ago, I was hyper focused on creating sleepwear. It’s all I could think about. As I researched how to start that, someone asked about my website. This wasn’t something that upset me, but it challenged me to think. I shifted my mindset to create this space! It needed to be “more…”. It couldn’t just be a place to sell things, because that’d defeat the purpose. It needed to be a getaway too. There had to be love, lessons, stars, trees & safety.

At this very moment, I have a mental image of a powder blue lounge set, made of Pima cotton. I’m taking steps to get to that point. One day I hope to explain how that happened too, but there needs to always be a beginning. This is my beginning, created and designed to serve as a reminder that we are worthy of representation, validation, affirmation & protection.

Creating a space, to do my part in contributing to society, took precedence. Just so happens, my genesis it’s a multipurpose space!!

Welcome to your affirmation destination! If nothing else reminds you, that this all formed from the explosion of my very uncomfortable life, let this long a** name serve as a reminder. I could’ve changed it, but I prefer to call a thing a thing.