Parenting, especially with someone not onboard, is not always easy. Add all of the different personalities, especially a hormonal teen, and it can be an absolute freak show!
It’s timely, frustrating & it makes me want to quit.
As a healing adult, I run things back all the time. Pivotal moments, conversations, traumas… and take notice of who was there, who wasn’t & sometimes exactly what/where things went wrong (even when it was me doing wrong). Anyone healing, or working on themselves, know that most times we want accountability for all of the mishaps. Sometimes we get it, but most times we don’t. I accept my accountability, out loud, so that my son knows that I’m not blameless. Also, so he knows that it’s possible to admit to being wrong & attempt to do better going forward. Changed behavior beats shitty apologies any day.
I could’ve done better on many occasions. I could’ve been very loud, instead of trying to keep the peace. I wasn’t. I could’ve left a lot sooner, instead of trying to keep my family together. I didn’t. So now he doesn’t even realize, my involvement doesn’t end just because we’re no longer under the same roof! I don’t care how old he is, I’ll love him no less. Only it’s not my love that he’s missing, he needs to learn to love himself. We take care of, fight for, sacrifice for & provide (in many ways) for the people we love, and these things apply to ourselves too.
How do you get to the part where you realize you deserve better, if you don’t love yourself? Self care isn’t easy without self love, so my best unsolicited advice is to be Honest. Loving self was not a priority for years. Did I want to leave? No. Just like everything my son has ever witnessed me doing, from going back to school to confronting those who made life hard for him, my leaving was meant to be a lesson. I need him, when no one else seems to be doing it, to choose him!
These past few years left family feeling like they don’t know me, and they really don’t. Some just never took the time to… mostly it was my fault. It’s always been customary for me to overlook everything, be the bigger person, forgive the BS but it only made me angrier in the end. It was ingrained in me, people pleasing, caring what others thought/felt. Loving myself meant admitting that my entire family was raised to believe a lot of BS & moving away from the shame we were made to feel if we dared think for ourselves. I can’t be mad at them because I chose to always be peaceful, when being loud was called for. The person I’m most mad at is myself, but it’s difficult to do anything with self anger! Except, try to do better moving forward. It’s a learn me or leave me situation, with an open door policy, at this point.
That’s what I talked about with my son today, loving himself because, years from now, when he thinks back, I don’t want that for him. He needed to hear that he can do better, and that he deserves better.
Your parents can love you to no end, but if you aren’t loving yourself you’re doing yourself a great disservice. As my grandma taught me, “chew the meat & spit out the bones”. That, in this moment means, unlearning the bullshit & remembering the love. We were loved, and it came in handy when I decided to put me first. Hopefully, it doesn’t take my son 17 years to figure out that he needs to do the same.