Here I am, listening to R & B, trying not to focus on the coming months. Honestly, I'm not ready for brain surgery or moving, especially one right behind the other. Also, I'm not ready to give up on life.
So tonight I'm preparing for the worst outcome, but reminding myself that I'm a fighter. I want to call everyone I love, and say "hey, know I love you" just in case things go bad. I also want to make appointments to get my hair twisted, a mani-pedi & lunch with friends.
So many don't contemplate death, but I fixated on it as a child. Englewood will do that to you, but the kicker was having a dream I'd have a stroke while eating licorice when I was 5 years old. It caused a great deal of anxiety. It was something I learned to face head on.
Dignity and autonomy made me consider it differently, and I embraced a part of life that some people rather not think about. Ever. We all have to leave here at some point, and being ready means something different to me. I've made my plans, and hit my friends up with passwords, accounts, my will, instructions for Eyvonne. Hopefully they'll all respect my wishes. Then I thought of all of the things I've managed to create like this site, my book & poetry.
I'm not ready to stop living because there are still some things I want to do. However, if this is my last post, hopefully it's not, please know that you are loved. Not the bots 🤬, but you who have stuck through all of this with me.
Remember, if I never post again, YOU ARE WORTHY ❤️